The Mysterious Tongue Scare

December 31st 2011

Buzz. Buzz.

You have a new text message.

A friend confirming plans, maybe? Witty banter with a co-worker perhaps? Good old-fashioned sext? …Mom?


Now, after laughing uncontrollably for 3 days…straight. And spending another 2 1/2 days recuperating.

I got to thinking.

What kind of sick and twisted tongue scenario was so terrifying, so alarming, that Gary needed to be alerted immediately and Ted and the bible study gang were forbidden to enjoy?

It was time for some serious investigating.

I was a certified Nancy Drew and was my goddamn weapon.

Type in:

t-o-n-g-u-e-    s-c-a-r-e


 The provided results/suggested forums were as follows:

Does biting the tip of your tongue scare wasps?

When people speak in Tongues…does it scare you?

Help! I Swallowed My Tongue Ring!

How to Redecorate Your Kitchen in 8 Easy Steps (and 1 complicated step)

And yielded google image results…such as these:

Feel free to type this into google on your own time to double-check my results. But also be prepared to answer any concerns to anyone who questions your search history. (A frequent battle of mine)

Dazzled and confused to googles unhelpful suggestions I figured I could only rely on my own internal instincts for the extreme matter at hand. Well, my instincts and perhaps…8 various friends + 1 deli clerk. So I created a list in case you too, find yourself needing to define a tongue scare, and in a pickle as to how to explain it to a chap named Ted.

15 Things That Could Have

Happened to Janet’s Tongue

1. Redeemed a groupon for a Clorox tasting

2. Attempted to lick lil wayne’s lollipop that came all-inclusive with an extended meet and greet with his Prince Albert. 

3. Suffered a violent aftermath of consuming too many warheads….atomic…warheads…

5. En route to being seductive whilst licking fruit cake mix off the electronic whisk…that was still…on.

6. Eating a ghost pepper as a light snack

7. Something involving her tongue and an asshole (most likely Ted’s)

8. A classic pre bestiality make out sesh with the neighborhood poodle gone terribly awry

11. Apparently what happens in Vegas…doesn’t’ stay in Vegas.

12. Sacrificing one of her 5 senses for lent

13. Straight up Herpes

14. The classic slam-your-tongue- in the door scenario

15. Uttered a somewhat offensive banter about Tim Tebow  resulting in the light wrath of God via lightening bolt to the mouth


Despite the mass text to the bible study list serve, my personal fax of this very list sent directly to Ted’s office, the casual e-mail blast to all of Gary’s friends and fam and this highly public social media outlet, your secret is safe with us. Also, stay the fuck away from me, and get well soon!

Bountiful thanks,


5 responses

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