In Response To Your Love Letter From Prison

January 23, 2011

You’ve got mail.

Charlie waltzed over >>>>>>  to the mail box







her hand inside and <<< sifted through her stamped bills, coupons, magazines, prisoner love letters you know the typical –


What the…

Who is…

What is…


Surprise, surprise.

Olivia peered in the left hand corner of the mystery letter and it said this:

Penitentiary indeed…

Tore open the envelope to find an extensive love letter written from a prison inmate that looked like this:

Frantic, Charlie recruited my assistance to compose an appropriate response to this outlandish occurrence that had just ensued. And it will immediately follow the letter that said this:

What’s up sexy- How are you doing ???? Fine i hope. i know you’re probably saying ‘Who in the hell is this writin me,’ well-my

name is ——————————William Ingram and I was readin a newspaper a while back and saw you and i must say that

you are so sexy and too fine, I just had to write to tell you that! So please don’t cuss me out for writing you. I thought I could meet a

nice lady friend like yourself to communicate with, because I don’t know anybody here, it’s like I’m a complete stranger! Anyway,

here’s a little about me = I’m from indianapolis, indiana. Don’t smoke or drink at all. I’M A LIBRA. Don’t like or eat fish. B-day is

October 3rd. Don’t beat on women. Don’t have any kids. I’m single. 5 feet 10 inches. Never married, 210 pounds, bald headed, light

brown with hazel eyes. Well-I’m going to let you go because you’re probably  very busy.  Plus- I’d love to write to you all night long.

;). Don’t want nothin from you, maybe a letter, a picture and of course, your friendship. If you decide to write back- tell me a little

about yourself! And if you get free time this weekend, Hollerback at a brother AITE?!?! I’m sorry if I made you feel uneasy by

writing you. Don’t mean no harm at all. Do apologize once again. Feel freed to ask me anything you want too. Did  i spell your

name right? (Be good) and Please don’t be married – if you’re married – then I’m sorry I didn’t know The Newspaper didn’t tell

me – I’m sorry I won’t write again







Dear Billiam,

I’ll be honest. Twas an unexpected surprise to see that you’re checking in on my well-being from such a distance. I’ll be sure to send my regards to the Campus mail service for indeed forwarding this letter to my personal address and not at all being concerned of the origin of the sender. You are correct, my reaction was very similar to the one you had predicted. Kudos!

You can rest easy, I most certainly won’t cuss you out, that would almost be as inappropriate as crafting a letter to a complete stranger with 6 murders under my belt! I’m flattered you took such a liking to the blurry image printed in our neighborhood newspaper. Remind me to shoot my father a text, personally thanking him for insisting that I submit my picture and a small bio section in the newspaper “just for fun.” He’ll be tickled to know it catered to such a broad audience and absolutely smitten I’ve discovered a potential love interest along the way.

I truly am sorry you haven’t been able to socialize in your new environment. Are they being clicky? I felt that way once when I brought chicken salad to a pot luck dinner and no one ate it but everyone invested in the chips and dip instead. I was like…what gives? Anyway, potentially they don’t know the “real you.” I suggest you round-up the troops for an orgy. I’ve heard a rumor that it’s all the rage in the local prisons these days. I’d rather not say where I retrieved this information…

You’ve mentioned that you do not drink AND you do not smoke. Well, this is terrific news! Although you do sound like a bit of a buzzkill for most social situations…However, investing in a relationship with someone who’s criminal record states “voluntary man slaughter” is a little more concerning to me than the potential risk of the black lung or even a minor case of alcoholism. I hope you can understand.

Congrats on being a LIBRA! I myself am a SCORPIO. However, upon doing some extensive research I  have discovered that the following information may hinder our abounding feelings for one another:

Scorpio and Libra love compatibility is as follows:

Loss of self and boundaries; obsessive; destructive tendencies; wicked in fights; sharp wounding tongues.

I’m not really in the mood for “destructive tendencies or “sharp wounding tongues.” Perhaps, later.  But happy belated!

Your dislike for fish is indeed unfortunate. I’m a well renowned sea food chef so this may prove for discrepancies in the kitchen. You know how that goes.

Also I meant to tell you, it’s a relief to hear that you don’t beat on women. I myself only beat on them sometimes. But again, with 6 man slaughter counts, I’m concerned as to what your definition of “beating” is. Let’s reconvene on this issue at a later date, shall we? Perhaps in a back alley with dim lighting and no other human being within a 10 mile radius? That seems ideal.

In regards to your physical appearance, I was wondering if you could, per chance, elaborate on “light brown”. Are we talking like a beige? Light caramel? A kit kat shade per chance? I’d really like that. Also, I strongly encourage you to refute your bald-headed statement and pull that card out as a surprise fact during a first date. I only predict positive responses yielding from this decision.

In agreement with your assumption, I am indeed busy but alas I have found time to hollerback. And although you said “you didn’t want nothin from me but friendship and a sexy picture” I have to be honest, these signals are a bit mixed.

Unfortunately Billiam, I am married. His name is Richie and has an adorable affinity for socks. Also, he does this thing where he paints abstract whales directly onto our living room walls with water colors and then outlines them in sharpie. I truly can’t get enough. You’re welcome to stop by and admire the decor whenever you get the chance. I’m assuming that will be in the next 86 years or so? I’ll pencil you in for around then.

Anyways Billiam I must go. Have a few other prisoner responses to attend to. Rest assured I will keep both my name and my face out of any and every newspaper and will take drastic measures to ensure I am completely unreachable to any of your future inquiries. That being said, best of luck on your orgy endeavors. May be a little uncomfortable at first, but what isn’t really? This letter being a prime example.



P.S. I love you

And now for your own personal enjoyment…







Please enjoy the evidence below:

Thank you campus mail for your unconcerning forward

What a wonderful coincidence the post office chose this heartfelt stamp.

Dated to make future letter filing an effortless task

Nice, personalized decorations scattered about.

I’m concerned this is going to be a series…


A little about Billiam

Mixed signals.

Horoscope clarifications.







13 responses

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  2. Oh gosh, I admire you for your cool head. I wouldn’t know what I would have done. This is like prisoners calling our office so frequently a few years back. We had a temporary office while work were being done in our permanent office so they hired security guards for our safety. It turned out those security men had friends inside and had been chatting with them using our phonelines at night.

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