My Great Escape From Tompkins Square Park

October 13th 2012

Sorry I’m late…

“That’s alright Olive, where were you anyway?”

Rewind.

I should have known things would have taken a turn for the bizarre when 2 glasses into our vintage bottle of 2012 Malbec …I found myself doing things like this:

Hey you guys I brought a miniature pumpkin in my purse. So yeah.

And proceeded to pose with it like this:

Had to tell the waiter to come back later because…we were busy…

And whilst I was posing with vegetables in a fancy establishment I was also making simultaneous plans via texting with an old-time friend who had recently moved to the city. I agreed to meet up with her in a bit…unaware that my accident prone lifestyle was ready to make its late night debut…again.I bid adieu to Kate and the gang post dinner and drinks and at approximately 12:57 am, ventured to reunite with my throwback friend who was supposedly just a mere 7 blocks away.

Google map it.

Easy peasy

Approximated arrival? 12 minutes.

Actual arrival time? 58 minutes.

What on God’s green earth happened in between then?

This:

I began to travel up 8th street >>>>> miniature pumpkin still in bag…and was prepared to take an immediate right when I looked up and noticed a park.

Tompkins Square Park to be exact.

Hmmm…well…I could either…walk

a        r

          o

          u

d       n

the park

or

walk

s

t

r

a

i

g

h

t

through it.

Well. It’s 1:am. I can’t see a damn thing. My reflexes are a little slow.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Sounds like my kind of party.

And so I went in.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

You know…logical decisions have never really been my forte. Feel free to use the following example as supportive evidence:

With             each                passing             step

I wrapped my trench coat a little tighter and walked in my 6 inch heels a little faster.

Okay Olive, just…walk straight. Then you can’t get lost.

The gate to the other side of the park was getting

closer

closer

closer

And I’m not sure if I was scared because of the dead silence, the billowing trees or the fact that when I reached the exit.

I saw this:

I feel like…this is a problem…

Freshly aware that I was trapped in a dark forested area at an odd hour of the night.

I decided to turn around.

No worries.

I’ll just retrace my steps to the opposite side of the park from where I entered and all will be well.

Jokes on you, life.

.

.

.

.

.

.

No wait hold on. Jokes totally on me.

Somewhere in the

1

2

7 minutes it took me to walk through the park and back.

Someone took the liberty to lock the alternate entrance, and I was greeted with this:

Sonofabitch

I looked to my left and saw this:

Fuck

And looked to my right and saw this:

Fuck.

And zoomed out on my life and realized that I was in fact here:

Fuck.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

I needed a life line.

And I needed it now.

.

.

.

.

Ask the audience?

Well. my options were as follows:

1. The 6 homeless men sleeping like scattered panthers surrounding the premises or

2. No one.

.

.

.

.

.

.

50/50?

…No I’m pretty sure the only answer here is C. Get the fuck out stat.

Phone a friend?

Yup.

.

.

.

.

And phone a friend I did.

Told them the wonderful news. That it was past 1am and I was trapped in a park with only shadows as friends. That I couldn’t see a damn thing. And if they had any sort of advice whatsoever. That would be grand.

Suddenly I                and screamed.

ducked

“…What’s wrong?!”

“Shhh….they’re coming…”

“…Who’s coming??”

“Shh…there’s a van with 4 men inside and I’m about to pass it. So I’m hiding…Shit they keep looking at me. Just stay on the phone.”

“What is wrong with you.”

“NO SIR I DON’T WANT YOUR CANDY STAY AWAY!”

“Are they talking to you?! Don’t talk to them!”

“They see me. I don’t have a choice. I need to defend myself.”

“I really feel like survival is just not on your priority list. Ever.”

“Shhh….”

.

.

.

.

“Hello?”

My friend was a blind witness to the supposed insanity that was going on around me in this abandoned park in the middle of the night. They were under the impression I was battling 4 men with weapons in front of my very eyes. When really…

.

.

.

.

.

“Okay they’re gone. I took care of it.”

“What? How did you take care of it?”

.

.

.

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.

It really wasn’t until the next day that I explained to my friend that during that entire 6 minute episode….

.

.

.

.

.

I was sitting indian style next to an azalea bush, just being…dramatic.

There I was

No van. No men. No conversation.

Just a confused wasian performing an unwarranted monologue in Tompkins Square Park at 1:30 am.

.

.

.

.

My apologies.

.

.

.

Once my monologue came to a closing. I stood back up and reconvened my  original goal of getting the fuck out.

“Have you tried…climbing the fence, Olive? Maybe?”

Light bulb.

I marched over to the 6 foot fence barrier.

s          s

o                          e

t                                           d my belongings over the fence, told my friend to hold on and began to climb in this:

Wear to a birthday dinner, cocktail event, or climbing 6 foot fences! On sale now!

And this:

An ill-advised hiking shoe

Bystanders on the latter side of the fence were only slightly concerned and not at all helpful whilst witnessing a 5’1 girl in stilettos hover atop a 6 foot chained fence without  any certainty on how to…get

d

o

w

n

I decided to just leap and take my chances.

Perfect landing.

on my face.

.

.

.

.

I gathered my belongings from the floor. Hung up on my friend without any explanation. And moseyed over to meet my long-lost friend.

And when they inquired about my tardiness,

I blamed it on elongated conversation at my previous location  and untimely walk signals along the way.

Leaving out entirely that I was just recently airborne from leaping off of a 6 foot fence and the terrible decisions that occurred directly before it.

And realizing that sometimes.

Some things are just better left unsaid…and perhaps undone.

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12 responses

    • Hahaha no worries, laughter is highly encouraged. I didn’t post this story for any other reason than to allow others to laugh along with me and my ill-advised decisions. Glad you enjoyed it!

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