My Craigslist Commentary 2

October 26th 2012

Fantastic News.

Since the grand opening of my Craigslist help desk sponsored by yours truly, I have received an array of new customers seeking my assistance to commentate on their most passionate posts, thus prompting me to concoct round 2 of my most genuine responses. Please view below for my freshest and most favored clients. And of course, feel free to reach out if any of these gems in fact, seem like a quality match for you.

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Best. Roommate. Ever. (I’m listening)

Konichiwa bitches. (I choose you already) Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? (Really just want to split rent, if that’s cool…) If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I’m a 25-year-old professional marketing agent with experience at bad-ass companies in New York Fucking City. (Wait, what? You posted this on the San Francisco website…) That’s right! What you know about experience? (But seriously where are you) I graduated from Auburn University in Alabama, and moved to NYC at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that New York was a stinky shit-hole, (Cute) I moved back to Alabama to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist. (Seems like this is going well for you)

Anyway, so I landed this job with a marketing firm in San Francisco,  (Oh, so you are in the area. Good, good.) and I have no fucking clue where to live. Honestly, I’m moving there in 3 weeks, so I don’t give a shit if I have to sleep in your bathtub. (Ah, well I happen to give a shit if you sleep in my bathtub)

A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I’m just like, “Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it’s not mine.” I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking southern Cajun cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in béarnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. (I don’t have one single complaint as to what you just said) Don’t eat meat? That’s fucking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash carpaccio that will knock your fucking socks off. (I don’t typically wear socks but I see where you were going with that)

I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It’s a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. (You’re starting to veer off topic here…) Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies together if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don’t have to talk to you at all. It’s completely UP TO YOU! (I appreciate the array of options)

Sometimes I play guitar. Are you going to love getting baked and listening to Bob Dylan and Pink Floyd? LIVE? WHENEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT? Of course you are! I’ll take requests and learn any song you like, because I have the voice of an angel and the acoustical stylings of James Fucking Taylor. AWWWWWW SHIT YEA! (I’m deaf.)

A lot of people ask me, “Hey, you’re from Alabama. Are you racist?” And, the answer to that question is, no. I’m not racist or judgmental at all. I love everyone. I’m a secular humanist. I FUCKING LOVE PEOPLE. That’s the only requirement to being a secular humanist actually. (I think rejection of religion and pseudoscience is thrown in there somewhere, but carry on)You have to like other human beings and want to help them for no other reason than they are human regardless of race, religion or sexual preference. WTF?!!!? Pretty fucking cool right? (whatever)

I own almost nothing! (This is terrible news) I’m driving my car from Alabama to California in which I’ll be transporting two duffelbags of clothes, one laptop computer, one guitar, one cell-phone with charger, 8 pairs of shoes, one picture frame, probably some condoms and a shitload of beef jerky and Pringles for the trip. (Condoms and beef jerky…nice…) Though, you can expect the jerky to be gone upon my arrival. Unless you’d like me to pick up some on my way into the city. See?! I’m the most considerate person you’ve ever met. I’m offering to buy you shit already!

Am I interested in your pad? You can bet my nomadic ass I am! (hahahahahahahaha) I only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter me from the elements. Other than that, anything else will be considered a convenient plus. I’m taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I’d like to bang before I die. (I’ll take them laminated, thanks)  If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up. I’m ready to give you money. (Why can’t people say that to me all the time?)

  • cats are OK – purrr
  • dogs are OK – wooof
  • (Thank god you threw the sound effects in there, otherwise I wouldn’t know what animals you were talking about)

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(Seattle)

…..Hello Little Girl…… (Omg.)
Those words mean something to you (Yes like. I need to get the FUCK out of here)……… They’re not words that should be lightly used. (AGREED)  Indeed, if a man walked up to you on the street and called you a little girl,you would find it offensive,patronizing and just plain unhealthy……. (That’s a pretty accurate description of my current feelings)

But from the right man and in the right context, those words melt your heart. (Debatable) For even though you are a woamn, (A woamn?) you are still a girl who wants a man to hold her, to protect her, to comfort her. You are still a little girl…….. (I think it’s the extended punctuation that is terrifying me the most at this point)

Few men appreciate the dichotomy that is you. I Do. (…do you even know who I am?) I am smart,intelligent,caring dominant but not domineering, slightly paternalistic without a hint of patronization. I am also strong physically and mentally, worldly and or course charming……. (So…charming)

If you’ve read this far, respond. (Fuck) Tell me who you are as a woman and as a little girl……. (Word count? Rubric? Due Date?)

___________________________________________________________________________________________

Hey Can You Come Get Me? (Well that depends, who are you?) 

I need a friend who wouldn’t mind giving me a ride to my boyfriend’s place (in Raleigh). I will pay for gas. (…What is wrong with you.)
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11 responses

  1. Pingback: The People | olivethepeople

  2. thank you for making me laugh at my desk and then the phone rang and then i had to compose my face into non-laughing mode so i could answer the call properly and then aaaaaargh.

    ok, it’s my own fault, i shouldn’t be reading blogs that make me laugh while i’m at work.

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