January 27th 2013
Behold: The newest fleet of strange requests that derive from an exceptional crop of craigslist weirdos.
So far we’ve:
Been offered a bowl of Darryl’s famous Bratato Salad
Been asked to trade in some beef jerky and condoms in exchange for housing
Been requested to sit in a bathtub full of noodles for an inexplicable amount of time.
And now? Well. Now my clients need something else. Something like this:
Person with a wooden leg that lives above me. (You rang?)
I have no idea who you are. (But you just specified that like a second ago) I do not know if you’re male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. (Surprisingly I’m all of the above, well done!) What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg. (Totally have 2. Just step a little more lightly with my left foot) It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, (Nah I just told you you were right) but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims.
First of all, if you aren’t a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, (A natural first conclusion) I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. (Thanks asshole) Now I’ve lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. (five?) Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind. (Note to self: Add “heavy-hooved friend” to the list of things I never thought i’d be called before)
At first I thought it might be sex. (Chances are good) You know, the old headboard pounding the wall. (My signature move) I would be impressed if that were the case, but I doubt that. (Wow) The noise moves when you move, so it can’t be the headboard. If it were, then I would REALLY be impressed. Hell, you even knocked the light fixture off of the ceiling in my foyer after some intense peg-leg floor pounding. (You can go wipe yourself with something hard and sand papery if you think I’m going to cancel square dancing night) I was picking glass out of my feet for a few weeks after that! (I don’t have feet so I can’t relate) Not bad for what could potentially be some afternoon delight. (Damn straight)
The reason I don’t believe you are getting laid is because the noise occurs quite literally at ALL hours of the day. (I’m free tomorrow at 4am if you’re not otherwise occupied…) 4AM? You bet. 4PM? Sure shit. 1AM? Of course. 2:47PM? Why not? (Oh, well that went well). If I were able to link the noise to a certain time pattern or a certain location, I could be more certain it might be sex, say on a bed with wheels that moves freely about your place with each thrust. (As I type this now, you’re making some pretty loud bumps and booms). (Bumps and booms you say? Gonna try that one out at the bar “Hey! You! How would you like to bump and boom back at my place?) Maybe you are just a really aggressive masturbator?
Lastly, I haven’t seen a single couple enter this building to confirm that fact that someone might be getting laid. (I can tell you haven’t put any effort into this mystery)I’ve tried to describe the noise you create to many people saying It quite literally sounds like an overweight pirate with one peg leg pacing back and forth, (Note to self: Also add overweight pirate…to the list) only to get strange looks in return as you can imagine. Skeptical as they may be, their hesitations in believing my claims were put to rest as soon as they visited my apartment. One by one my friends, as well as some family, visited my place all to confirm the noises I reported were indeed, real. (Thanks for the invite)
Each of them spent a few minutes speculating about what the noise could potentially be. Honestly, the only thing we have all deduced is that you aren’t having sex. This is undoubtedly, an unfortunate conclusion on your part. (Well you’re the one that didn’t show up at 4am.)
Perhaps you are trying to teach yourself how to walk with stilts and you are trying to master the art one leg at a time before attempting both stilts at once. (My legs are already stilts – stilts on stilts on stilts?) Maybe you’re practicing for the Olympics in Chicago in 2016 and have set up some uneven bars and are trying desperately to stick the landing. Whatever you’re doing, could you please ease up? (Nope) I do not enjoy replacing all of my picture frames that have either fallen off my walls or from my shelves. (Well I don’t enjoyed being called an overweight- heavy hooved pirate) Nor do I enjoy being awaken at all hours of the night only to have to wonder what it is you’re really doing up there, whether they be innocent or slightly sexually deviant. (Would you believe me if I told you it was sort of like a combo of the 2?) My alarm goes off before 6AM due to having one of those job things so a good nights sleep is important. Thanks in advance and if you really are an obese pirate, please don’t break into my apartment and steal my booty or my food. (That’s for in shape pirates. Heavy hooved pirates normally just stick to square dancing)
I stomped on your fire, you choked on a biscuit
(This is entirely too specific not to be me)
You passed out on the grass after choking on a biscuit and slamming your car into a guardrail at Franklin and Harding. (Way to bring up the good times) Me and the driver of a silver bug with 2 woman in the car, stopped and put your car fire out. (Sorry I was too unconscious to say thanks)…It’s been about a month, so if you would get me a new fire extinguisher, I would appreciate it. (What the. I thought you stomped?) Also, don’t eat while driving in the future, it’s dangerous, as you have discovered. (Thank you for your conern and furthermore, your advice. I’ll put 1. Getting you a shiny new fire extinguisher and 2. Not eating biscuits behind the wheel at the top of my to-do list post body cast)
Need an amputee to complete my Halloween costume (Don’t we all)
So this might seem strange and really offensive (Good intro, very good) but hopefully someone will reply. I have always loved the scene in Empire Strikes Back where Chewbacca has to carry around a half constructed C3PO in a backpack because he hasn’t reattached his lower body yet. (And this is your favorite scene…because…) For Halloween I would love to dress up like this. (love is a strong and disturbing word in this circumstance) I am big enough and strong enough to both pull off the Chewbacca look (Oh god where is this going) and to carry around a lot of weight for the night…(……………………..) So basically I am looking for a double amputee (someone missing both legs – (Thank you for making that clear to a legless amputee like myself.) preferably at the hip) (Oh, I’m glad it’s someone’s preference) to accompany me as C3PO for the evening. We should meet ahead of time so that we can work out the back/harness system. (The Coffee shop down on Hector Street? That’s usually where I got when I get strapped to my friends) There are a few parties that I want to hit up and I think we will be the hit of any event we attend. (Yeah. I’m going to need a little more confidence than this. Not being a human backpack to someone who THINKS this might go well.) Anyone up for this? (Well that depends. What is the safety policy if you decide to do a keg stand? If you need to use the bathroom? If I need to use the bathroom? If I’m having a conversation. And you walk away. Because I like…have to go with you.)