Everyone’s Off Getting Married And I’m Over Here…

March 8th 2013

So You’re Married.

That’s cool. I like that shit.

Good tidings to you and all of your Tupperware.

As for me? And my weird friends?

We’re busy doing other things. Less romantic things. Much less stable things. And definitely less responsible things.

Things that you’d think we’d be embarrassed to tell you.

But we’re not.

Now let’s be clear.

We’re happy that you’re married. Like. Good for you man.

But shits gettin kinda weird over on this premarital side of the fence.

What do I mean? What are we doing?

Well. I’m glad you asked. Or  rather, I’m glad that you didn’t really ask but rather read the question I just typed out and then kept reading because you were like “yeah sure you can tell me what you and your weird friends are doing”

Great choice.

Now to answer your provided question, I’ll have you know that we are by no means unhappy on this side of the fence. But we are getting loco. But only until fate decides to drunk text us one night and ask to hang out.  Until then? We’ll keep on keeping on. And since that makes no sense to you, I created a list. Collectively crafted by  “Olive” my friends (you see? you see what I did there? With that word?). A list in case you too want a flash back of the single life or, you too want reassurance that you’re incredibly more normal than a handful of people on this planet. That handful of people being my friends. And for that, I applaud you.

18 Things My Friends And I Are Doing Instead Of Marriage

1. Projectile vomiting on old love interests – Most likely to occur when you combine tequila, caged passion and more tequila.

2. Sharing laughter with cat memes instead of an attractive member of the opposite sex














3. Befriending bar folk with grocery cart tattoos

4. Convincing our grandparents on the regular that we’re not hopeless

So are you hopeless or...

“So are you hopeless or…”

5. Trying to decode who the fuck our Facebook friends are after they change their name post wedding.

6. Witnessing my New York roommate Harper spontaneously craft a love pizza with the local pizza employee at 4 am….and then making out with him on our way out the door.
It started with a light love tap.

She was just a girl in apartment 2. He was just an illegal immigrant who had an affinity for carbs. And as it turns out…she did too.


He went in for the handhold. She was a little shy at first. But the combination of his touch with the marinara sauce just felt so right.

The night started out innocent until he went in for the handhold. She was a little shy at first. But…the combination of his touch with the hot and steamy marinara sauce…just…felt…so…right.


He liked to take charge.

As time when on they began to have discrepancies posing such arguments like “But I wanted my pizza thin crust” to which he said “But baby, I was planning on making it panned.” But with a little team work and a big bowl of sexual tension, they were able to agree upon a medium crust, and the pizza relationship only blossomed from there.


She tried to turn away but....he wasn't worried...no no...they hadn't even got to the sprinkled cheese yet.

They laughed. They cried. They accidentally punched their hands through the dough and all the while they kept asking themselves “How did this romance move so quickly? We…we haven’t even gotten to the sprinkled cheese yet…”


He swiftly realize she was the jealous type. But he didn't mind. In fact. He liked it.

Their pizza love affair only grew stronger. Pizza man did everything he could to perfect this snack for his new found love, whilst Harper fended off any opinions regarding his toppings of choice.


Pizza love.

Eventually they decided they needed something more. That if they were going to do this. They were going to do this right. That it was time to add a new member to drunk food family. So they made love. Pizza love that is. And lo and behold 9 minutes later…out popped…


They started a family.

Baby Pete-za.


You're invited.

And they lived happily ever after

Moving on with the list.

7. Violating the bacon bits to Mac and cheese ratio on an exceptionally lonely night #baconwithasideofmac
8. Rackin up back-up-plans left and right to prep for eternal single hood #homelessmanwithaids   #cashieratwalgreens #charliesheen
9. Blacking out at someone’s…26th birthday dinner
Lookin good, Olivia.

Lookin good, Charlie.

10. Expanding my hookup horizons…One.Foreigner.At.A.Time…

11. Awaiting my acceptance letter to Hogwarts

12. Pretending I have feline AIDS so I don’t have to go to another fucking bridal shower

13. Taking pictures like this without having to explain ourselves


no explanation olivia

14. Taking the batteries out of my toothbrush and putting them in my vibrator because apparently I brush my teeth less often than I…

15. Playing golf…mini…golf…

16. Giving sporadic fucks involving life decisions. But then again not really. #thisoundslikeagreatidea! #wherearemypants

17. Blacking out at a bar with no shirt and getting my nipple licked

blacked out mccabe


18. Getting text messages from strippers named ‘Toy’ from Houston, TX


toy text 1

toy text 2

So yeah. I think that about temporarily sums up what we’ve been up to lately.  May need to update after this weekend. But don’t worry about us. Although our dignity and decisions are seemingly declining I promise we’ll find someone to love our crazy asses. And in the meantime, will occupy ourselves with cat memes and strippers.
Special shout out to the following amigos who made this strange list possible:  Penny Erikson, Kyle, Ali, Anthony, JudsonHarper, Charlie, Tanner, Aftyn, Chelsea, Alex, and Bentley Cooper. Do I want to be your friends forever? I do.

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