March 12, 2013
And this shit just
Craigslist Commentary 5 Starts Now:
To the woman who crapped her pants in my car (hey)
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. (Winner!) I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. (this…this is a great day.)
I thought we had chemistry sitting at 6 rivers sharing that basket of hot wings while drinking the chili beer. (I think the hot wings and chili beer combo was our first mistake) I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. (Chili beer goggles. Classic)
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. (Only recently started agreeing with that statement) For you, it just so happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. (Thanks for the kind reminder) Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive. (This public clarification helps for sure)
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. (Remind me why I’m not returning your calls again?) The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. (your uncle and passenger seat have a lot in common) I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat… (Your choice to crank the heat, not mine.)
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract. (I’m down for toast)
I await your call,
P.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early. . .Touché. . .
Required Dragon Slayer (As opposed to an optional, dragon slayer.)
2.) Force said dragon to land in rural area. (Just tell them there’s free snacks. Works on me every time)
3.) Slay said dragon in whatever way you see fit. (Dance-off?)
Please note that I am not talking about the red dragon that frequents the area from time to time. He and I have an agreement. (…Noted.)
Dumpster lover (But most people call me Peaches)
- Location: dumpster (So your place then)
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…even more than I already do.