11 Alternative Responses To “How Are You?”

April 15th 2013

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I noticed it the other day.

As I was walking into my office, I approached the elevator pressed the button.

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The elevator                                doors opened

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I stepped inside

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The doors were >>    << about to close 

But Debbie happened to

s

q

u

e

e

z

e

right through.

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DAMN YOU DEBBIE

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Now it’s just the 2 of us.

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And it feels like this:

tumblr_md12mdC36q1qdlh1io1_400

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Dear god.

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Don’t make eye contact

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DON’T DO IT

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Too late

OPw0A6D

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“Heyyy”

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“Hey..”

.

“How are you?”

.

“Gooood. You?”

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“Goood…”

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Uncomfortable eye contact                            Uncomfortable eye contact.

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I’m sick of your shit Debbie.

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I’m sick of your boring shit.

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Let’s spice this things up. If life is going to force us to go through these ridiculously frequent encounters  on a regular basis, then why not make things a little more spicy. A little more weird. A little more awkward. Not like the hook up with Marc Anthony spicy, weird, and awkward. But like doing the tango with Seth Rogen spicy, weird, and awkward.

seth rogan

Ole!

SO.

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I created a list. In case you too find yourself stuck in an uncomfortable elevator ride with a stranger named Debbie.

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Or making hasty pace towards an acquaintance on the sidewalk.

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Or having chat stew with a distant relative.

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Or just need something to do right now because you’re bored and this post is the closest thing you’ve got to eye candy.

Love some good blog candy

I got you!

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And you too need an alternative response to how you fucking are.

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11 Alternative Responses to “How Are You?”

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1. Mime it.

This is how I am Debbie.

This. This is how I am Debbie.

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2.  Speak another language entirely

manuel-que

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3. Look them straight in the eye and do the exit dance. What’s the exit dance? This:

tumblr_mgqjlcJNow1r8v6qjo1_400

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4. Say nothing. Just make this look over and over again until they back the fuck off.

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tumblr_m8ygu2yQAs1qgvto4

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5. Break down in hysterics. 

Screen Shot 2013-04-14 at 10.53.56 PM

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6. Inflict a spontaneous a riddle. Tell them they have 30 seconds to answer correctly or the room will implode. Only ask serious questions such as this:

547713_624269257602409_51674171_n

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7. Get philosophical

127-hours-watch-it-backwards1

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8. Whisper sweet nothings in their ear. 

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i42enm

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worley

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9. Get Violent

tumblr_mhmv1hhAXT1rgceoao1_250

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10. Tell them you’re great. You went to your nephews b-day party over the weekend and want to show them a picture of him. Put the following picture in their hands. Walk the fuck away. 

Meet Kip.

Meet Kip.

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And finally,

11. Fast-pitch them a compliment

birthday card meme

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So yeah. I think that pretty much covers it. You should now be well-prepared and quite versatile for any casual passerby that comes your way. I look forward to the day you and I run into each other and simultaneously attempt the same tactics in a panic. You can have bacon riddle since I call premature dibs on the exit dance.

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Bye

Bye

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11 responses

  1. OMG, this is what I needed on a Monday! I always opt for the strange comment back to them! It’s funner that way! Do you really think they actually care of how we are? Really? So, why give them a normal answer back! LOVE THIS POST!

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  3. This is a creepy comment, but I’m going to proceed anyways…We studied abroad together in Spain, and you probably don’t remember me, but I noticed via Instagram that you have this blog, and so I read a bunch of posts today at work because I don’t have work to do, and I thought “hey, this is a great way to spend 8 hours,” and it’s fucking hilarious. I laughed outloud, and excused myself from the office before peeing my pants.

    • Whoa Laura! Of COURSE I remember you. In fact, I remember you making me laugh on a multiple occasions. If anything, I’m just glad I can return the favor! Happy to know we can both appreciate batshit behavior, random commentary and enjoy this satire that I like to call life. I’ll keep writing if you keep reading. Trust me when I say there’s a lot more weird shit to come. Hahaha. So awesome to hear from you (:

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