Everyone’s Off Getting Married And I’m Over Here…Pt. 2

May 14th 2013

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Hey, it’s me.

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What’s that? Am I hitched yet?

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WHOA WHOA WHOA

WHAT'S WITH THE QUESTIONS

WHAT’S WITH THE QUESTIONS

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STEP OFF.

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No wait hold on come back.

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Listen. I’m going to get my ass hat self married in a jif. Don’t you worry your little marital self. It’s just that, I’ve been really busy lately

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tumblr_lzh1ncmsnq1rnptcno1_500

weeeee

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Lolol jk I haven’t been that busy. BUT.

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Just because I’m not tousling in the throws of diamond rang love, DON’T MEAN I’m unhappy. And it don’t mean my friends are unhappy either. Except Pete. Pete’s a little unhappy.

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He'll be just fine.

Just a little stressed. That’s all.

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But It’s like I told you the first time in Part 1

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Shit’s gettin weird on this pre-marital side of the fence.

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And for that. You are welcome. Why? What do I mean? Well lassie, it’s BECAUSE of our fruitless love endeavors and substantial commitment issues that WE ARE ABLE  to provide you with AMPLE  life entertainment, lols and one.more.reason. to hug your MAN PIECE. Or LADY FRIEND a little tighter tonight and be all like “Thank god I snagged a sane one.” ….You’re welcome. What do I mean? What are we doing?

I thought you’d never ask.

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Except for the one time you asked me. At the beginning of this post. Except that time.

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ACTION.

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16 MORE Things I’m Doing Instead Of Marriage

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1. Being aggresively asked for anal from a stranger via text

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And this is….

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You know what…never mind…

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2. Judging ourselves for dating people who post statuses like…this:

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We need to talk.

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3. Getting blacked out on a Tuesday night and making pizza at the local pizzeria

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Order up!

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…And then doing cigs with the employees in the back directly afterwards.

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Holler back Zagat.

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4. Bringing a hottie mc HOTT HOTT back to the house…your parents…house

Welcome home you two...

Welcome home you two…

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5.  Reading a heart-wrenching stories about a man who got swallowed by a hippo in south africa

...but actually.

…but actually.

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6. Getting asked out on dates by gas station workers that…more often than not do not speak the same language

You. Me. Nachos. Now.

You. Me. Nachos. Now.

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7. Forwarding online ” Speed Dating”coupons to my friends’ inboxes with the subject line “Fuck it. It’s on sale”

So how did you two meet again?

$.99 for a permanent slam piece? FUCK YES.

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8.  Unconsciously giving out your number to horny ethnic women at the bars

BE JEALOUS.

BE JEALOUS.

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9. Still laughing at cat memes

caturday_cat_memes_04

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invisible%2520bike

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LOLLLLLLL

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10. …looking up youtube videos of old-people’s reaction to hearing dubstep

Jeanie is not amused.

Jeanie is not amused. Jeanie.

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Funky Fresh Diane.

Funky Fresh Diane.

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That's right, Trixie. He just said mustache ride.

That’s right, Trixie. He just said mustache ride.

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11.  Browning out at a subway station at 4 am and taking what you THINK are snap chats…but are really actual photos that you just mass texted to all of your friends….and non friends that they may or may not make public on their blog:

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Archived.

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Tucker is not okay. Tucker.

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Archived.

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Archived.

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image-21

Archived.

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Archived.

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12.  Being this casual crocodile I spotted this weekend just…grabbing a cocktail

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Ah yeah um, can I just get a mojito please?

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13. Licking chest hair at the bar with no class at all

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Not above this.

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14.  …taking advantage of every free meal/happy hour I can to completely avoid learning how to cook.

Did someone say free food?

Did someone say free food?

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15. Going to a professional conference meeting and stopping by to get tribal paint to the face on the way home.

tribal paint

Sorry I’m late…

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16. Having food babies instead of real  babies

Screen Shot 2013-04-28 at 11.56.39 PM

We’re practically one in the damn same.

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See? We’re making FANTASTIC use of our goddamn time. Are these activities contributing factors to our current singlehood?

gryffindor

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So you go do your thing with the tupperware and the eternal happiness and we’ll be joining you relatively shortly. Until then?

We’ll be making online dating profiles uploading pics of ourselves like this:

SELFIES HERE WE COME.

HOTT.

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Special shout out to Meg, Sam, Penny Erikson, Charlie, Ali, Bentley Cooper, Tucker and Hallie for your heartfelt and extremely serious contributions. Do I plan on being your friends forever? I do.

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