5 Things I’m Doing Instead Of Paying Attention

May 29th 2013

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Dude.

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I have no idea what the fuck you just said.

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And I’m sorry.

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Sort of sorry.

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…Moderately sorry.

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Alright listen

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If you’re thinking to yourself “Cool, asshole, why didnt’ you listen to a DAMN THING I just said?!”

Well.

Have I got some mediocre excuses for YOU!

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Olive and Nicole Detamble present:

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5 Reasons I Probably Didn’t Hear What You Just Said

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1. Doodle fucking my notes

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So.

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You’re in class

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No no, you’re in a meeting

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Idk  you’re somewhere

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THE POINT IS

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Wherever the fuck you are there’s a pen and paper involved and you, my friend are looking occupied and ponderous as FUCK.

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Think I’m jotting down today’s date?

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That clever quote you just relayed?

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THAT POWERPOINT slide’s most KICK ASS bullet point?

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lol.

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Think again:

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Bitch got a mustache:

Bitch got a mustache.

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My cliff notes on Bobby’s presentation on llama feed

image_1

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An epiphany that hit me midway through Susan’s heated argument about the overuse of paper in the office

482909047_9784a44741

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In case you doubted that I could draw a pickle with stars on it:

JOKES ON YOU.

SURPRISE!

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What am I going to do about our decrease in sales this May?

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Fucking gymnastics ALL OVER THAT SHIT.

photo

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What’s been weighing on my mind lately?

A bear with a martini? Or...a martini with a bear?

Now is this a bear with a martini? Or…a martini…with a bear?

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What does this meeting feel like in relation to pie?

image

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(P.S. 97% Of these drawings are Olive and Nicole Detamble originals.)

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2. Mind snackin

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Thing is, I really do care about your hat, your dog and the latest episode of hoarders.

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Except that I don’t.

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Only because 3 sentences ago you said pizza. And somehow expected me to zone the fuck back in!

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I’M NO SUPER HERO.

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Not this guy.

Not this guy.

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Suddenly I went from smiling and nodding like this:

652

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And at the sudden stroke of the word Pizza am all like this:

SO GODDAMN DELICATE.

Instantly deaf.

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That cheese pouring over the butter baked crust.

THAT SAUCE simmering on atop that freshly baked dough.

THOSE TOPPINGS

delicately sprinkled amongst that cheesy layer of heaven dispersing an aroma so beautifully baked with JUST the right amount of garlic.

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Yeah See? You’re not listening either.

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NEXT.

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3. Being self-conscious

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I just had a bagel.

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A fucking POPPY seed bagel.

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(An ill-advised social snack of choice)

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Ain’t no mirror in site.

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AIN’T NO close friend nearby to discreetly  give me a casual look tell me I have shit in my teeth.

Ron. Not available. Ron.
Ron. Not available. Ron.

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And with every piece of gossip spillin out of your mouth, I’m hoping a poppy-seed won’t fall out of mine.

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NOT ONLY THAT.

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But I’m also sweating. LIKE A FOOL. Because Dennis cranked up the heat  UP IN HERE and now it’s hott as BALLS in this motherfucker.

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LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE DENNIS!

LOOK WHAT YOU’VE DONE DENNIS

And now I can’t help but wonder if you notice my fucked up smile, my largely  unwelcomed pit stains, my MOST RECENT break out.

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ALL OF THAT SHIT.

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Eventually you’re going to walk away and I’m going to sprint to the nearest reflective object to confirm my dashing good looks. Then rekindle conversation casually starting with the line:

anchor man gif

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4. Decoding lyrics

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Listen.

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There’s a song stuck in my head.

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Specifically by the Ying Yang twins.

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And as you’re sitting there breaking down your latest updates on the health benefits of Kale and raisins, I’m trying to figure out what the FUCK Ying just said at the goddamn hook of this song!

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See, now did he say:

 Bitch you gotta shake it till ya calf muscles hurt?

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Or

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Bitch you gotta make it I want a bag of ruffles, Kurt?

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And did Yang say?:

Put your the heels on your feet or the strap around your ankle and then go ahead, and call that bitch bojangles!

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Or.

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Put your seal on that leaf and strap it down with shankles and then go ahead, and call that bitch Tom Wankles?

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WHAT ARE YOU SAYING

I’M NOT REALLY SURE.

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Once I de-riddle this poetry. We can pound some Kale and raisins, I promise.

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Moving on

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5. Concocting my escape route

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Every once in a great while, specifically Mondays, Wednesdays and anytime you’re snackin pretty hard, you may find yourself stuck in a conversational vortex with a chatty cathy that overshares, underdresses, and talks in so many goddamn circles you could feed about 16 countries with their overflow of complete nonsense.

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SILENCE CATHY.

SILENCE CATHY.

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But alas,

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There you are.

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Smiling and nodding.

652

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Dreaming of pizza.

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SO GODDAMN DELICATE.
PIZZA.

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And trying to devise a plan where you can discreetly do this:

see ya later gif

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But I shan’t do that.

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Instead.

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I’m going to pretend to make intense eye contact with a somewhat familiar lad from across the room in order to pardon myself.

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HEYYYY BILLAY!!
HEYYYY BILLAY!!

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Perhaps, excuse myself to go to the lady chambers.

Brb, Debbie.
Might shit myself Cathy. G2G.

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Or more likely just look at you like this until you back the FUCK…away.

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Good god, Cathy.

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You’re still here.

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And there you have it. The 5 things I’m probably doing instead of paying attention to a damn thing you just said. How can you tell? If I’m listening to your woes? Or dreaming about pizza? If you ask me what I think about what you just said, and I attempt a relatively ambiguous face like this .

p5rqP

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Sorry.

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Sort of sorry.

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…Moderately sorry.

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Alright listen

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30 responses

  1. I don’t know what the F!!@ uou said but what the anyway you rocked mediums rap video reps words staccato pixxa topping arnold has a space like michael on K @ K and M and I have kale in the garden flowering that survived the winter where was I!?!?
    I just know it was as fine as sunshine who says I don’t pay attention!

  2. That was hilarious! Once again, making your dialogue like credits increases the suspense because everyone is hurrying to get to the next things and the millisecond that it takes readers to get to the next line really does make a difference. That was some great comedy right there.

  3. Pingback: Make me laugh | nightgardentheatre

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