13 Compliments That Really Suck

June 20th 2013

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Good god.

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It’s happening

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There you are.

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Doing this casual shenanigan where you’re chatting with another human existence. And shits going pretty awesomely mediocre

a.k.a.

It’s relatively interesting, but involving very little brain mojo. Like when you’re talking about cats or relaying general trust issues towards jello.

Lying sack of shit.

You lying sack of shit.

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When ALL OF A SUDDEN, this casual asshole drops SUCH a vague comment, baked and wired with a backhanded insult that you don’t know WTF TO DO or WTF TO SAY. Comments such as “Oh you look tired.” or “New haircut? Nice…” or “No worries, you’re better off without him.  No one liked him anyway.” Cuing you to make an ambiguous face that attempts to shield your anger like this:

Wifebeater not included....as in the mank top. Not the man.

Wifebeater not included….neither is Samuel L. Jackson.

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ANYWAY.

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I realized that this shiza started happening to me a lot.

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Like when I got a new dress and my co worker was like “Oh I see you got a new dress!” And I was all like

“Yeah!”

and she was like

“…Yeah…”

And I was all like:

sam2

Clarify, bitch.

And she walked the fuck away.

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SO.

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Like a normal human being, instead of channeling my ambiguous frustrations towards these vague and assholey comments, I rather started a collection from a few of my friends. Of the shit that’s been said to them, or they’ve overheard said to others. And how maybe. JUST MAYBE. We’re not the only damn ones that stare down our local chat mates “Samuel L. Jackson” style. And for anyone who gives these “compliments” out on the reg? Go WIPE YOURSELF with something hard and sand papery!!!

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And then subscribe to my blog. Because I mean you’re already here…so…

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ONWARD.

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13 Overheard/Inflicted Compliments That Really Suck

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1. “Wow! What a cute little boy you have there! Look at his chubby little face and beefy beefy arms! This little punk is gonna grow up to be a big ol’ football player FOR SURE…..HAHAHA what’s that?…..Ah it’s…a girl?…Hmm…I’m just gonna… I’m gonna just…”

tumblr_ll0pofi5xH1qixleeo1_250

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2. “Nah girl don’t worry, you’re petite! Your engagement ring is just your size!”
No really..you shouldn't....have...

No really..you shouldn’t…have…

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3. “My god! You look just like my favorite dinosaur! I fucking LOVE dinosaurs!”
Uncanny

Practically twins.

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4. “…Well you’d never know it, but secretly, I don’t believe in wasting money on nice cars either! We’re one in the same!”
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I've been saving up for this, dick.

I’ve been saving up for this, dick.

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5. “It’s a good thing you have small breasts or you’d look like a total SKANK in that dress!”
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33919215
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6. You look really great in this light”
“…But the lights are off”
“Indeed.”

the office

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7. “Your penis is so cuttteeee!”
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elf-will-ferrell-quotes-1_large
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8. “Eye liner was a good choice.”
Thanks asshole.

Thanks, asshole.

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9. “God I love hanging out with you when you’re drunk.”
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Never be sober Carl....never.

Never be sober Carl….never.

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10. “Whoa! You look like a celebrity!”
“For real??”
“Yeah dude. Like a spitting image of Gary Coleman!”
Nope.

Nope.

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11. “And The Best Sportsmanship award goes to….”
(a.k.a The 
The "Nice Try" Award.

Award.)

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12. “HEYO!  Looks like SOMEBODY know’s their way around a makeup kit!”
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Truly, you're an artist.

Truly, you’re an artist.

13 . Decided to buy you that dress that you liked. Was kind of torn on what size to get you so I had your sister try it on. Then went 6 sizes up from that. Should fit like a glove.”
Did I mention I don't like gloves?

Did I mention I don’t like gloves?

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So cheers! To all the dick bags that have ever said this insensitive, rude, RUDE SHIT.

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…And my b for the times that dick bag might have been me. It really wasn’t intentional. Just sometimes when I take a fireball shot…or mass eat guacamole I find my self-control to be like…not there.

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But we’re cool, right? I mean I respect anyone who follows the blog of a total douche bag.

Which means, I respect YOU.

Forgive me, Samuel L.

Forgive me, Samuel L.

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Shout out to Bentley Cooper, Penny Erikson and Dan for their flawless and asshole contributions. You guys ROCK.

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19 responses

    • Yes!! I always love the satisfaction of making people laugh. So happy to do it (:

      And I cant believe you noticed! You’re so sweet. My graphic designer has it in there as a placeholder and we have a whole site redesign coming your way (: But in the meantime, look for the little differences thrown in here and there. You rock!!

      • Oh, I notice things for sure! I have a keen eye for things like that! Can’t wait to see the changes. I love my header because it changes/switches to different photographs that I took every time you refresh the page or go to a different page. I love stuff like this! (BTW, check out my About Me page, as I added our birthdays in a neat way)

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  2. How about, “Are you feeling okay?” Yes, douchebag, I just don’t have any makeup on today.

    And once a “friend” referred to my wedding as such: “Aw, your little ceremony was so sweet.” Bitch compliment words: little, sweet and cute.

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