Your Not So Secret Search Engine

June 28th 2013

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 I know something you don’t know.

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Creeped out yet?

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Sweet.

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So.

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Every day I check the analytics behind this absurd blog. You know, just to see if shit’s running smoothly, people like my jokes (like my jokes) , AND FINALLY to figure out who the hell is stopping the fuck by every goddamn day.

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NOW.

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Before you freak out.

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I have no idea that you’re here right now.

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And I never will.

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You fucking phantom, you!

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Whether you’re in your office, in your PJs, or waiting for your godsend cappuccino to be frothed fucked by the local barista,

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I don’t have a goddamn clue that you’re here right now.

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But what I do know? Is that at the bottom

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left hand corner of my analytics page?

search engine page

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I can see

What – has been typed into google/bing search engines that explain

How – some hoodlums get to my ludicrous website. And with this knowledge, I am able to get an insight as to

Who –  these unique, web surfin individuals really are.

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SO.

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After about  a year of watching this shit pop up in my stats and loling my pants off entirely sola every goddamn day. I decided to make a miniature collection of the best of the best. The creme de la creme! The hostess with the MOSTESS (< idk). And share that shit…with you.

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Search Terms > All Time > Let’s Go

search engine list  headline

Let’s do this.

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33 Things You May Have Typed Into Your Search Engine…That For Whatever Reason Linked You To My Blog

(And what I have to say back to you…)

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1.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 10.59.23 PM

 ^

To share internet space with such a phrase is truly an honor

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2.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.00.39 PM

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Not better than this

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3.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.00.47 PM

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Hey! Who knew your ex’s online dating  profile and this blog had so much in common.

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4.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.01.04 PM

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Kudos, Google! For really capturing my target audience.

I don't care what my friends say Tito. I think you're a swell guy / please don't kill me.

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5.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.01.34 PM^

…Then don’t.

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6.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.01.58 PM^

…Then leave.

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7.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.02.11 PM

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Involve pizza

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8.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.02.19 PM

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Add a string. Instant headband. BOOM.

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9.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.02.26 PM

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I’d go with cable cutters or common sense on this one. Your choice.

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10.

cardigans

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You-Stay-Classy-San-Diego-Anchorman

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11.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.03.02 PM

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Nothing spices up a Friday night quite like google searching “Armadillo Toes.”

Let's get this party STARTED.

Let’s get this party STARTED.

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12.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.03.21 PM

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You found me.

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13.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.03.27 PM

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I plead the 5th.

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14.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.03.34 PM

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How ideal that google brought you here in your moment of urgency.

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15.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.03.45 PM^

Depends on the amount of cheeto bribes involved.

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16.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.04.32 PM^

Glad we got to catch up.

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17.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.04.40 PM

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My boi.

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18.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.04.47 PM^

Someone’s gettin spoiled this year.

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19.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.07.20 PM

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Pizza. Chips.  Milkshake. Repeat.

elf-eating

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20.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.07.31 PM^

Home decor shopping, I see.

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21.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.07.51 PM

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………..

face palm

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22.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.08.01 PM^

…well what the fuck did I do?!

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23.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.08.29 PM

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Do people really look this shit up?

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24.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.08.36 PM

Why do I look familiar? Because you typed in “Dick Rejector” into google…and apparently my face showed up. That’s why.

Living a successful life for sure.

Living a successful life over here.

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25.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.08.48 PM

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Welcome! I see you’ve got a bottle of lotion, lap top wide open, and a sock at the ready. You’ve come to the completely wrong place.

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26.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.09.21 PM

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Here’s to hoping this wasn’t a google image search.

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27.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.09.31 PM

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Nothin like a yarn thong

You there! With the  yarn thong!

You there! With the yarn thong!

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28.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.10.02 PM

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no gif

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29.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.10.10 PM

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You lucky bastard.

Congrats.

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30.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.11.15 PM

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No. It’s me, grits.

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31.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.10.50 PM

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...So your date went well then...

…So your date went well then…

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32.

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.11.33 PM

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pick-me-o

ME.

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33.

And finally:

Screen Shot 2013-06-27 at 11.10.57 PM

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“So..how did you find this girls blog again?

awkward face gif

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Shout out to all the intentional readers and unintentional weirdos that stop the fuck by on a regular basis. For it is because of your batshit internet inquiries that brought us together in the first place.

office hug

36 responses

  1. I was thinking to do a post similar to this..People land up in my blog using really weird search terms. I don’t know how do they come up with stuff like that. One of them was something like, ‘how to know whether I am pregnant with my boyfriend or my husband’..lol.

  2. Another hilarious post Olive! Love it. Now, I want to see a photo of what THESE people look like who did these ridiculous searches! They are probably all the people I see shopping at Walmart in their PJ’s.

  3. You just made my day…thank you. This is hilarious. We get the weirdest searches too and it always makes me laugh!

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