How to Make An Already Awkward Situation…Even More Awkward

August 9th 2013

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Piles of resumes

.

were

neatly

stacked

on

my

desk

____________________________________________

Sent >> from hopeful grads and undergrads eagerly applying for an internship at my fashion-forward company – unaware that they were really sprucing their resume up for…

.

An opportunity to intern for me.

.

Not only be my own personal minion

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But my humble side kick as well.

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In preparation of a casual duck attack, of course.

Thank god you were here for this casual duck attack, intern.

.

Indeed in the past I’ve invested in only a few hazing activities for my former minions such as:

.

Dressing them in a plush robe upon my immediate command and forcing them to lurk around the corporate hallways and talk to execs with a  dead serious look their face and ordered that under NO circumstance would they be allowed to give ANY sort of explanation:

.

Good times former intern Katie. Good. Damn. Times.

Great for your resume former intern Katie. Real good stuff.

.

So alas, as Katie embarked on her real job ways, I was left on an ambitious hunt for another star candidate.

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Loling at writing samples sent to my inbox that didn’t come in the form of articles, past papers, or more. But rather – side project screen plays with snip its that looked like this:

.

Not exactly what I had in mind, Patrick. But thx.

Unfortunately we can’t offer you the internship Feng Wa but let me know if bean counter Adam is available. Nothing spices up the work place quite like a King Kong look alike!

.

Until finally I found one resume that struck my damn fancy.

.

His name was Pete.

.

Good experience.

.

Quite normal.

.

Quite nice.

.

Quite available.

.

He came in for an interview.

.

We laughed. We joked. I inquired about his robe size.

.

LIFE WAS GRAND.

.

Until a few days later I was in full prepatory mode to extend him a pre-packaged deal of incredible experience and complimentary sleepwear

.

When suddenly.

.

I glanced at his resume one.last.time.

.

And read in fine print.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Graduating class of 1995

But like...what?

But like…what?

.

.

I immediately spun my chair around to my co-worker in a sheer panic

.

LARRY I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

LARRY I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

.

And explained the complexities of the situation at hand.

.

“Larry. Listen to me. Some guy who is over a decade older than me just applied to be my intern. WTF PETE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS 12.”

.

Larry looked at me with skeptical  eyes and medium offense and said

.

“I mean. I’m over a decade older than you…”

.

"I mean. I'm over a decade older than you..."

Aka. FUCK YOU, Olive.

.

“No, no I know! But he’s sorta like you. Like doesn’t LOOK old. But is and looks a different age.  NOT THAT YOU’RE OLD. (shut up, Olive SHUT THE FLYING FUCK UP) You just look WAY younger than you are. Because you’re not old…you’re like super young! looking! But like not. Wait, what? Fuck.”

.

Larry was not amused.

Larry. Not amused. Larry.

Larry = Not amused.

.

.

I tried to make a joke or 2. Even give him a compliment to tide us over until lunch. But all Larry’s eyes kept telling me were:

tumblr_m7jvzgZYh21qclb0e

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And so I made a list.

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In honor of my awkward and unwarranted ways. In case you too find yourself fucking up casual conversations

left << and >> right.

And you too are curious as to how on earth you can possibly make these situations worse for yourself.  (all the following options are unfortunately derived from personal experiences.)

Olive & Tanner present:

.

7 Ways To Make An Already Awkward Situation…More Awkward

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1. Zone the fuck out

Scenario 1: You’re at the local donutery and you run into your family friend Susan. You went to college  with her son, you see, and she after she asks if “you’ve talked to Timmy lately” you forget where the FUCK you are and say “I actually haven’t seen Timbo in a while!  Last time I saw him he was coked out of his mind and drinking coffee with his feet! LOL”

.

.

.

.

Silly Tim.

Classic Tim.

.

And Susan’s like:

brit-o

.

And then you make it worse by being like:

Useless.

I’m going to say nothing to make you feel better and just stare in a panic.

.

.

.

2. Make future plans out of sheer desperation

Scenario 2: You’re at a party and you’re going ape shit on the complimentary punch

FREE PUNCH.

FREE PUNCH.

.

When suddenly you strike up a conversation with a distant acquaintance Kelly. You start catching up about shit here and there. What you’ve been up to. What veggies are on sale at Food Emporium. And at one point you spot a mutual friend Billy across the way and you’re like “Have you heard about Billy’s crazy new girlfriend? I heard she’s not even that cute and just like calls him like fucking crazy. I almost feel bad for the guy but not really because he’s a total DICK.”

.

What’s that, Kel Bel?

.

…Ah…you and Bill are dating…

.

Oh ENGAGED… you say? Who would have guessed…

Not...me...

Not…me…

.

And then you’re trying to make it better but then totally making it worse when you’re like:

“…So YEAH. We should TOTALLLLLY double date sometime. You and my boy Bill. And then me and like someone. That I’ll find. Somewhere. You’re apparently good at phones so like…yeah let’s…let’s do that.”

What the fuck have I done.

What the fuck have I done.

.

.

.

3. Digging yourself in a hole

Scenario 3: You’re out to lunch with co-workers (but the annoying kind) and they’re ranting up a fucking storm about the WILD AND CRAZY happy hour that happened last Tuesday night that you told them you simply couldn’t make because you had dinner plans but really just went home and fed your fish named Paul and watched Netflix instead. They ask you how your night was and you’re so engulfed and delusioned by your empanada you say “It was awesome. Fed Paul and watched some Game of Thrones!”

And everyone at the lunch table is all like:

eddie-murphy-gif

.

And then you make it worse by trying to explain yourself like:

“I mean AFTER MY DINNER. After. Definitely…after…I didn’t feed Paul till like…10 pm…no flakes for Paul…none of…that”

.

And they’re still like:

eddie-murphy-gif

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So eventually you just cut your losses and you’re like:

.

Snape-walks-away

.

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4. State the obvious

Scenario 4: So you’re out and about with some friends and it’s like a group shin dig and you run into a mutual friend Nicole. And you’re talking for a while. Catching up on life. Even do a cheers. And eventually you start talking about more in depth things and she’s incredibly insightful and OUTRAGEOUSLY sweet and you’re really starting to bond. And at the end of the night you say “Man, Nicole. I really enjoyed talking to you tonight. I’ve never met anyone quite like you. Thanks for listening.”

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To which she says:

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“….My name is Patricia.”

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And then you’re all like:

stare gif

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And then you make it worse by being all panicky and obvious like:

“Hey so this place is totally a bar. Real close to like. Our friends who are over there. Inside the bar too. And this beer is kind of warm. Doesn’t really. Feel so cold. And my hair sucks. It just does it’s like…”

.

And now Patricia’s all like:

stare gif

.

Bounce. Bounce right now.

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5. Phone a friend

Scenario 5: You’re being  a gossipy Gladys in the break room. Talking up a goddamn tornado about Sheila the skanky exec who just you tubes Nicki Minaj videos all goddamn day. I bet you anything she buys skirts. Feeds them to a fucking wild pack of boars and then wears those torn up shreds of cloth as a next-day-to work outfit because she’s a WHORE.

*Creak*

It’s Sheila.

.

She’s in the doorway and…

.

.

.

….she heard what you said.

.

Your co worker Glen decides to leave you high and dry and is all like

See ya Bruce

Fuck you Glen.

.

And then you make it worse by pretending to take a phone call like:

images

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And then your phone goes off while you pretend to talk. Because you’re an idiot.

.

.

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6. Admit to shit

Scenario 6: So you’re in a meeting and Martha stands up and is all like “So what did everyone think about the report I sent out last night? Questions? Comments? Concerns?”

.

And you’re sittin there straight up not giving a damn and thinking about lunch like:

banana gif

.

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And Martha notices and gets all pissed and is like:

“OLIVE! WHAT DID YOU THINK?!?!”

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And you’re sitting there fully aware that you didn’t read a damn thing. And contemplate just making shit up. But decide to making life worse with honesty like:

.

.

didnt read gif

.

.

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And then suddenly you’re sitting in a conference room where all you want to do is this:

see ya later gif

.

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7. Bring up a controversial topic

Scenario 7: You’re out at a birthday party and you start the night off relatively classy. But about 3 wine coolers and 8 keg stands later you’re getting pretty fucking trashy.

Zomg SO MANY WINE COOLERS.

Zomg SO MANY WINE COOLERS.

.

And at some point you see someone beer-goggle hott and you’re like YEAH. I’M GOING TO GO TALK TO THAT HOTT PERSON BECAUSE I’M HOTTIE TOO!

And everyone else at the party is like:

This is a mistake...but let's watch anyway.

This is a serious mistake…but Imma watch anyway.

.

.

And so you start talking to the sex stick. And things are starting to go pretty okay. Until you start talking about really unattractive shit. Like. How many hours it’s been since you’ve showered. #46. Or how your last relationship ended because you chased someone who winked at your arm candy down the street with a bottle of clorox and a shovel in hand. Or like how sometimes when you feel sad you just eat a fuck ton of nutella and sprinkle doritos in there when you’re feeling extra sexii. And shits going down hill. And it’s going down hill fast. And you know this so you try to change the topic as quickly and drunkenly as possible so you can have a shot at their bodice.

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And then you make it worse by being like:

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“Yeah so like that abortion and welfare. Let’s talk about it.”

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And they’re all like :

(But better looking)

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And you’re just over there being all drunk like:

I wish I would have brought up mini muffins instead.

I really wish I would have brought up mini muffins instead.

.

.

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And there you have it. 7 Instantaneous things we all do when shit gets awkward that we should quite possibly reconsider so we don’t keep making things fucking worse! What are the effective alternatives?

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……………

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I um…

.

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I uh….

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One sec I’m getting a call.

images

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5 responses

    • Hahahaha thanks Ben! Yes my friends are awesome in helping me come up with the bullet points and I’m always eager to surprise them with the batshit things that I come up with. Happy to entertain all (: Have an awesome weekend!

      On Fri, Aug 9, 2013 at 4:51 PM, olivethepeop

  1. Pingback: The People | olivethepeople

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