Damn It Feels Good To Be A Man

August 20th, 2013

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Being a man fuckin rocks.

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…At least that’s what my man friends tell me.

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Thanks for the update.

Thanks for the update.

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But after a kick ass brainstorm, discussion and  ongoing e-mail thread confessing a slew of my guys firend’s badass ways, they requested I keep these confessions to myself because well,

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“I don’t want to come off as acting superior to women (apparently bitches don’t like that) or truly bashing all females in one swing (once again, so touchy).”

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And then about

1

2

3

Seconds later checked themselves and were like

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Wait.

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i-dont-give-a-fuck

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And continued to enlighten me like this:

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Olive, Brian, Tucker, and Bentley Cooper present:

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“7 Reasons Why It Feels Damn Good To Be A Man”

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1. Getting our shit together in approximately 5 minutes

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That’s right.

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We men can pull our shit together and walk out the door lookin this adorable

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tumblr_lh7g8c6fpk1qaemhko1_500

Flawless.

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IN SECONDS.

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Why?

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Because we wear the same shoes EVERY GODDAMN DAY.

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Jeans. DONE.

Shirt. DONE.

Face. DONE.

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You know what steps we just skipped that women just don’t?

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Makeup

bill-cosby-makeup-gif

Nope.

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Hair:

Scott_Thompson_Hairdo_Gif_Big_by_Ellidegg

Fuck that.

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Picking out an “outfit” – Deciding they don’t like that shit – Rechoosing the damn thing.

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Blind bitch.

YOU ARE SO BLIND RIGHT NOW.

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And finally

Arriving late and judging the SHIT out of other women.

tumblr_mmnlh62yf91s2wqpoo1_500

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What’s that? Special occasion, you say?

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BOOM BABY.

I’ve got a suit.

Same suit I’ve worn for YEARS.

Same suit that I bought ONCE. And never had to buy again.

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That is some timeless shit right there.

This is some timeless shit right here.

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Have fun dress shopping for every major and minor event of your life, ladies.

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I’ll just be over here getting extra sleep and shamelessly reusing outfits

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EVERY. GODDAMN. DAY. 

Suckers.

Suckers.

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2. Our bodies don’t self-destruct on a monthly basis

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GODDAMN not having a period is awesome.

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You know what I do everyday?

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NOT BLEED OUT OF MY REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS.

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Awwwwww yeah. That’s right. My hormones remain CONSTANT, my flow only refers only to my ability to spit rhymes

HOLLA

HOLLA

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And the only pads I need are BREAK PADS as I cruise to a stop in my car after enjoying another day of being a man.

Jesus I feel amazing!

GODDAMNIT I feel good.

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I NEVER have to:

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1. Gorge myself on junk food to tranquillize blood, cramps and irrational anger

tumblr_mb781bsRat1qdfa3c

HOTT.

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2. Go completely apeshit anytime anything remotely disappointing happens.

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WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE'S NO PIZZA.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO PIZZA LEFT.

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3. Excuse myself from events because the internal gears are impeding my ability to mingle.

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Sorry. Can't mingle. Got a lot of this to do.

Nope. Not minglin.

.

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…Well…

Alright maybe I can relate a little.

Maybe after Mexican food or an “Indian” buffet.

…Word to the wise, never trust a buffet that serves ethnic food.

Not even once.

FUCK.

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3. No babies poppin outta my penis.

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It all starts when you meet a pretty lady.

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the office

Hey good-lookin.

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And you swindle her with your smooth moves:

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Hey.

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And she says YES.

THAT'S HOW IT'S DONE.

THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE BABY.

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…And one condom snappage later…

You find yourself in the delivery room witnessing the vagina that once seemed so damn fun, expand like a predators mouth and pop out a fucking LIFEFORM.

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NOOOOOOO.

WHAT IN THE HELL.

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I’m freaking out.

And I’m freakin out HARD.

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But hey, I’ll take a lowered sex drive and mild panic attack in exchange for my party pack ANYDAY.

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So.

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Kudos, ladies

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Keep that shit up.

Keep that shit up.

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And I’ll be sure to do the same…

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4. We can be President of the United States

"Lolz."

“Lolz.”

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5. We’ve got total Freedom Pee-dom

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OH YEAH.

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The world is our oyster and we can pee on it with motherfucking EASE.

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Chugged an extra-large Coke on an extra long road trip with no bathrooms in sight?

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WHAT. EVER.

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Park. Walk. Bush.

No strife here.

Strife free.

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…Gave the other half of that extra-large Coke to your lady friend in the passenger seat and she’s now suffering from the same dilemma?

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………..

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Not as smooth of a transaction...

Not quite as graceful…

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Choose your public depansting scenarios wisely, ladies.

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You’ve got your ladyhood at stake.

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But.

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NOT ME.

NOT ME.

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6. We never get lost.

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LISTEN TO ME.

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I got this shit. Not every freakin fork in the road needs a ‘LETS PHONE A FRIEND” “ARE YOU SURE YOU KNOW WHERE WE’RE GOING?!” SHOULD I….DARE I…..ASK SIRI?”

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the office gif

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Unbunch your panties and realize

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“If Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions, neither do I”.

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YA DIG.

Awesome.

Awesome.

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7. We finish = You finish.

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Feels good to be a winner.

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Every goddamn time.

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BECAUSE.

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Pleasin a lady is hard fuckin WORK.

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First we gotta swoon you with our ways.

original

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Then sweet talk the shit out of you

imgur-tlgiuay

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And eventually we cruise you into >>  Pleasure town where

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One thing leads to another.

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And shit gets heated.

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And it’s getting a little crazy.

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AND IT’S GETTIN A LITTLE WEIRD

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AND 

DONE AND DONE.

DONE AND DONE.

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At least for me.

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And you’re over there like:

disappointment

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But I’m not really that sorry  because

9toiu.

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And there you have it. 7 tried and (relatively) true explanations as to why men think they’re the fucking JAM.

Women, you’re now on deck.

A kickass retaliation list is coming to a blog post near you.

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14 responses

  1. I gotta agree with all those things. Especially the whole bleed for a week every month. My mood swing is Tuesdays. Hey you should swing by my blog today and check out my first every Youtube video…

  2. Ha! This is GREAT! 😀 I’m snort-laughing my pantaloons off!!! 😀 I always used to say, “I wish I could be a man for just one day.”
    Thanks to you, I’m rethinking that now. 😉
    HUGS!!!
    Carolyn 🙂

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