14 Reasons I Didn’t Come To Your Party

September 23rd 2013
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Let’s face it.
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Parties are the BEST.
These guys get it.

These guys get it.

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Free food (sometimes). Free alcohol (sometimes). Good friends (Dependent on the availability of free food and alcohol)
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But.
.
Sometimes.
.
Well.
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Sometimes we just don’t give a damn.
Fresh out of damns.

Fresh out of damns over here.

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Because the idea of lounging in silky soft Pjs and pounding Cooler Ranch Doritos IN BED sounds pretty fuckin phenomenal ta ME.
Call me.

Call me.

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Whether we’re down in the dumps, had a long week, or just want to party in our underpants.

tumblr_m35hcyf7su1qepf8yo1_r1_500

Always a good excuse.

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That damn combo is calling our name and the pants party…

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Well.

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It’s just not.

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So we don’t go.

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And it’s wonderful.

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And it’s grand.

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But.

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What do we say?

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What do we do?

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When Monday morning rolls around and the inviters are gettin all sensitive and inquiring about our whereabouts this Saturday night?

Hello guilt trip.

Holy guilt trip.

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Relax.

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We’re good.

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I got you.

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Why?

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Because I created a list.
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In case you too want are avoiding social interactions and public decencies and you too need a back pocket excuse to get you out alive:
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Olive, Bentley Cooper and Penny Erikson present:
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14 (Last Minute) Reasons I Didn’t Come To Your Party

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You have to understand.
I was on my way out the door, you see, when suddenly I realized:
1. There was a pack of cobras outside my door. Truly, I was trapped.
That's what I'm saying, Samuel L.!

That’s what I’m saying, Samuel L.!

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So I digressed back into my apartment for safety and an 8 hour marathon of Teen Mom seemed to fend off.
Oh. We know.

Oh. We know.

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2. Showering was too big of an undertaking
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Thing is.
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I was getting all clean and shit for your shin dig. When last-minute preparations took an unexpected turn…
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Warning: Never attempt to snack and shower at the same time…Multi tasking can be a confusing asshole.

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3. Purchased new pajamas that give me an inability to agree to any sort of physical activity
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It’s really quite remarkable
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Bathroom breaks and reheating tostito rolls are the only things that get their approval.
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Ask them to wrinkle for anything else and they’re just like:

Truly not my choice.

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4. Waiting on my hot pocket to cool down
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To put it simply:
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tumblr_mrekpj9AtX1strcyeo1_500

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5. Lost my car keys. Forever.

RIP every pair of earrings I've ever worn and any cell phone ever dropped.

RIP every pair of earrings I’ve ever worn, any candy ever eaten or any cell phone ever dropped

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6. The idea of putting on pants gave me hives
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Housewarming party my ass. What your Facebook invite really meant to say was:
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tumblr_mi2sarTqfo1rv7hqfo1_500
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To which my response is:

No.

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7. Too busy distressing over my first world problems

That is some serious bullshit.

This is some serious bullshit.

.

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8. My cat won’t let me leave the house

Too busy making jokes.

Entirely too much bonding going down

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.

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9. Got a lot of shit on my mind

Screen Shot 2013-09-22 at 9.01.25 PM

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10. Finally got my letter to Hogwarts #gogogryffindor

FUCK YEAH

FUCK YES

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11. Watched inception 3 years ago. Still mind-fucked.

IDK JUNO YOU TELL ME

IDK JUNO YOU TELL ME

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12. My ex slashed my tires again

So things ended well

So yeah things ended well

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13. Spent entirely too much money on hot pockets last week. So now it’s like

Screen Shot 2013-09-22 at 8.59.49 PM

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14. Thought I my face was ready for the public today…Not the case.

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Screen Shot 2013-09-22 at 9.01.00 PM

It’s for the best.

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And there you have it. 14 back pocket reasons you can recite to your invite-happy friends anytime you bail on good times and friends for cushion comfort socks.

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But if you do decide to come out.

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And you’re looking for me.

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Just assume I’ll be where these guys are.

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Yeahhhh.

Roll out.

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10 responses

  1. Great and funny post – the only parties missed are those where we don’t get any invitation – isn’t it..? – just like Chuck Norris so Le Drake Noir gives “the thumbs up”… 🙂 🙂 😉

  2. #13. oh yeaa… Can’t be just goin to ANY party, gotta think about how to spend your money a little more wisely.
    lol. Back in the day, FADC (Friday Afternoon Drinking Club, $2 cups) started at 3pm. then back to the dorms at 6:30 for dinner.. hammered of course. Then back to the rooms for some light drinking before the ‘real’ evening events started, unless of course we went to the ‘World Famous Up and Up’ for dollar pitchers from 6-7pm, $2 7-8pm and for so on.. We could have been totally on our lips by…well, by 5pm! and have only spent 2 bucks! haha!
    Oh how times have changed… just the prices anyway.
    That’s why I didn’t make it to your party… I was already passed out by 6pm!

    I think I tried the pack of cobras once… it didn’t work.

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