5 Things I’m Doing Instead Of Paying Attention

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May 29th 2013 . Dude. . I have no idea what the fuck you just said. . And I’m sorry. . . . . Sort of sorry. . . . . . …Moderately sorry. . . . . . Alright listen . . If you’re thinking to yourself “Cool, asshole, why didnt’ you listen to … Continue reading

13 Impossible Rescue Tactics For A Crab In Distress

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November  4th 2012 The other day I invested in this casual social interaction which I like to call the “It’s pretty clear to me you’re busy stalking people right now…but hey wanna talk anyway?” chat. Or as other people like to call it “Facebook Chat” This amusing go around twas with my childhood friend, Tanner. And … Continue reading

This Is How Successful You Are

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December 7th, 2006 It was perfect clockwork.  Every year the mom took (dragged) my sister and I to her holiday company party where we would take painful pictures that looked like this: Which, I’ll be honest, I only got my sister’s permission to use this pic by agreeing to follow it up with a recent … Continue reading

I Won’t Tell Her

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December 8th 2010 He picked me up at 11:30 pm. I quietly grabbed my jacket and snuck out the back side of my college house, slowly shut the back door and did a brisk jog >>> towards the glowing headlights that were s h i n i n g across my front lawn. I could … Continue reading

The Unexpected Questionnaire

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November 12th, 2011 I      sprinted >>>>> through the t                nstile    u      r d o w n the escalator and >>>> straight to the platform only to witness <<<<<<< The E Train going the complete opposite way Sonofabtich. And I was distraught for 2 reasons: 1. Um. The … Continue reading

The Tale of the Santa Fe Sandwich Therapy Session

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July 31st 2012 It was a late night at the office…a little past 5 to be exact….and I was caught in an awkward sandwich of time between the workday and a writing class I was enrolled in later that evening. Pun intended for the story to come. A snack seemed like an optimal use of … Continue reading